Horde announces massive faction cuts, despite record results

After weeks of speculation, the Horde announced today that it will be eliminating roughly 8% of its people, despite record-breaking recent achievements.

During the announcement, Warchief Sylvanas Windrunner told the assembled crowd that the Horde had "once again accomplished record achievements lately, such as pushing back the Burning Legion, defeating Gul'dan the Great Betrayer, and imprisoning Sargeras himself," but that the Horde would be consolidating and restructuring because of "missed expectations". Windrunner went on to say that they would be eliminating mainly popular but non-essential elements, such as Tier Set vendors, Master Looters, and Baine Bloodhoof.

"Over the last few years, our ranks have swelled with new, loyal members of the Horde," said Windrunner. "With the recent additions of the Nightborne, Highmountain Tauren, and Zandalari Trolls, we have never been stronger, more capable. Therefore, it is with heavy heart that I have decided we need to scale down some areas of our faction. I'm sorry to share that we will be 'parting ways' with some of our elf, orc, pandaren, tauren, and troll colleagues today."

"There is no way to make this transition easy for our impacted members, but we are doing what we can to support our colleagues," said Horde manager of Human Resources Calder Gray. "Lieutenant Murp, Signe, and myself will be personally visiting those affected by these unfortunate personnel changes, to discuss the 'comprehensive sever...ance package' they will be receiving, as well as their 'continued health benefits,' 'career coaching', and 'job placement assistance.'"

"While our accomplishments in recent years were the best in our history, we didn't realize our full potential," said Windrunner. "Yes, fine, we saved the world and beat back the biggest evils our universe has ever been confronted with, but now that those are out of the way, it is time we got back to what is truly important: whatever benefits me."

Reactions to the announcement were heated, with many Horde members expressing outrage and disappointment at the news. "We give the Horde everything we have, and this is what we get?" shouted Greyhart, a tauren druid. "Why do we get the axe while Blightcaller up there gets a spiffy new bod and membership into Sylvanas' Secret Resurrection Club?"

"Warchief, this course of action is sure to dishearten and demoralize our people, especially after our recent victories!" protested Varok Saurfang. "You stand now, lit torch in hand, on a bridge made of honor, respect, and loyalty...a bridge built by those who will be affected by today's decision. Are you certain you wish to do this?"

Windrunner shrugged.

"Burn it."