Inaugural Midsummer Fyre Festival descends into utter chaos, disaster

The much-hyped Midsummer Fyre Festival was supposed to be a fabulous luxury vacation getaway, where wealthy lowbies could take S.E.L.F.I.E.S. with big names like Jaina and Lor'themar on a beautiful private beach, enjoy the finest gourmet meals Azeroth's chefs had to offer, and unwind in high-class waterfront cabanas worthy of the King of Stormwind himself.

Instead, the Bilgewater Cartel-hosted event in Azshara spiraled into a disastrous landslide of disappointment, disorder, and desperation, with festival-goers reporting appalling accommodations, violent locals, and 'catered meals' of such shoddy quality even Nomi would be embarrassed.

"It's a complete disaster! It's chaos!" mourned Saeil, a blood elf hunter who paid 4,000 gold for a ticket to the exclusive event, only to be greeted by half-constructed tents, mountains of garbage, and visitor luggage being tossed off the back of a kodo in the middle of the night. "There's no organization, the beach is just greasy dirt and gravel, and the concierge booth is a rusted old oil barrel! And there's not even anyone there!"

Trash piles and luggage woes were not the only complications awaiting the excited guests. Achloryn and Iciandra, a pair of death knights looking forward to a bit of rest and relaxation, shelled out over 12,000 gold for a premium housing villa package that promised twin-sized beds, comfortable sitting chairs, hanging lamps, and a spacious living room area. What they received instead was a cramped canvas tent with a dirt floor, furnished with two straw cots and a dead kobold lying in the corner for lighting.

"The worst part is, I know these tents," said Iciandra dazedly. "They're disaster relief tents! We handed them out to refugees after the Cataclysm. The Cataclysm!" She then broke down sobbing, during which time a goblin wearing a SECURITY t-shirt snuck into her tent and made off with her suitcase.

Iciandra's companion Achloryn could not be reached for comment, as she was busy fighting off a pack of feral worgen that were running wild in the area. "IF I WANTED TO BE ATTACKED BY FERAL DOGS, I COULD DO IT FOR WAY LESS THAN 12,000 GOLD!" she was heard shouting during the melee.

Other attendees reported being attacked and robbed by hostile naga, makrura, and in some cases, even other guests.

In the months leading up to the festival, organizer and host Trade Prince Jastor Gallywix promised "the very best in food, art, music and adventure," including live performances by Level 80 Elite Tauren Chieftain, on a majestic beach once owned by none other than Queen Azshara. The event was also highly promoted and hyped by celebrities such as Haris Pilton and Duke Studlington on social media website Instagrom, where photos of the swimsuit-sporting sex symbols garnered thousands of /flirt and /flex reactions.

However, two days before the festival was set to begin, L80ETC announced that they were pulling out of the event, and everything went downhill from there.

Even the food was a complete disappointment, according to some very upset and very hungry attendees.

"I paid truly mind-boggling quantities of gold for a premiere luxury vacation and was promised gourmet catered meals," said Fabulor, a blood elf paladin who live-tweeted his experience. "And what did I get? An old fish lying on a crate with a rusty knife?"

"I will be speaking to my lawyers."

"This was NOT A SCAM!" chortled Gallywix from atop a towering mound of gold coins. "I'm heartbroken! Really, I am! I don't know how everything went so left but we're working to make it right! THIS IS NOT MY FAULT!"

Eventually, the Bilgewater Cartel begrudgingly agreed to postpone the festival, promising to arrange transportation home for the starving and angry festival-goers.

"Next year, I'm staying in Duh Morogh," grumbled Credenza, a dwarf shaman, moments before Cartel employees locked the guests into a Bilgewater Harbor storage room and chained the doors shut, "for their own safety."

November, 2020 — Clinton defeats Warchief Trump in Mak'gora, ends 4-year campaign of racism and hatred

NOVEMBER, 2020 — After four long years, Hillary Clinton has finally ended Donald Trump's reign of racial strife, hatred, and terror as Warchief of the United States of America.

Trump's long list of heinous acts — which include unleashing the Heart of Y'Shaarj in the middle of a downtown Seattle Starbucks, dropping a Mana Bomb on Canada, and attempting to assassinate outspoken dissenter Bernie Sanders in a cave — has earned him no shortage of criticism during his tenure, as has his intolerable, unapologetically-bigoted mandates towards other races and minority groups.

However, no one has dared stand directly against Trump's rule until yesterday, when Clinton returned from a four-year political absence and challenged him to a Mak'gora honor duel.

Mere seconds into the fight, it was clear that Trump was far outclassed by his smarter, more competent, and more accomplished opponent. Even wielding legendary waraxe Gorehowl — a 'small loan' from his father — did not give Trump the ability to overcome this enormous disadvantage, given his utter lack of military knowledge and experience.

In the end, the clouds parted at Clinton's behest and lightning blasted down from the heavens, incinerating the defeated tyrant into a greasy orange smear on the ground.

"Nasty," deadpanned Clinton, moments before being mobbed by dozens of tearful onlookers, relieved and overjoyed that the long, unbearable nightmare was finally over.

Lord Afrasastrasz calls Alexstrasza & Lirastrasza bitches, gets kicked out of Red Dragonflight

Lord Afrasastrasz, former Commander of the Wyrmrest Temple Defenses, has been kicked out of the Red Dragonflight after drunkenly insulting Alexstrasza and Lirastrasza.

According to eyewitness reports, Alexstrasza and Lirastrasza had just finished meeting with some of Azeroth's mortal races, where they had adopted their customary elven forms. While awaiting the ship that would take them back to Northrend, the two disguised red dragons were quite shocked when Lord Afrasastrasz -- also in his mortal form -- stumbled up behind them and began verbally harassing them.

"I'd never work with you bitches if I got the chance!" slurred Afrasastrasz at the astonished female dragons, after noticing their Wyrmrest Accord garb. "Do you know who I am??"

"We certainly do," bellowed Alexstrasza, transforming back into her draconic form, towering over the shocked and surprised male. "And do you know who I am, Afrasastrasz?!" The Life-Binder then spent the next ten minutes berating the disgraced Commander, before banishing him from the Red Dragonflight on account of being a miserable embarrassment to his flight.

A contrite Afrasastrasz issued a statement the next morning, after spending the night on Ferithos' couch.

"I'm so very sorry! No excuses," said the humiliated male. "Not the dragon I want to be or want my kids to be. Raised by Mom, 3 sisters. Ashamed of my words."

Death Knights Accidentally Raise Two-Handed Axe as Fourth Horseman

As a result of a bizarre misunderstanding, the Knights of the Ebon Blade resurrected the final member of their new Four Horsemen yesterday: Trollbane, a two-handed battleaxe.

Trollbane, an epic-quality weapon sporting +20 Agility, +50 Stamina, and two Prismatic Sockets, joins Nazgrim, High Inquisitor Sally Whitemane, and Darion Mograine as the new Four Horsemen, raised to battle the Burning Legion at the behest of the Lich King and his new champion, the Deathlord.

When asked why the death knights would choose a literal axe to be one of their horsemen, Ebon Blade lieutenant Thassarian frowned and rubbed his forehead wearily.

"You know this blade..." he muttered. "Everyone does. A little too well, apparently. See, we actually wanted Whitemane to resurrect Thoras Trollbane, legendary warrior and former king of Stromgarde, to be the last horseman. Unfortunately, it seems there may have been some...miscommunication, somewhere along the way."

Thassarian sighed, watching the other three Horsemen attempt to buckle Trollbane into its new Deathcharger saddle.

"Well, what's done is done," he said. "I guess we'll just have to chalk this up to clerical error."

Archmage Khadgar muted by new Dalaran Silence Penalty

After Dalaran's Council of Six implemented its new Arcane Silence Penalty city-wide enchantment yesterday, it took only mere hours before the powerful spell muted their first person: Khadgar.

The archmage was clearly upset, gesticulating wildly at nearby citizens, but the spell's silencing effects prevented him from being able to verbally explain his frustration. He did, however, hold up a copy of the letter he had received from the Postmaster for curious passerby to read.

"Dear Khadgar, your fellow heroes have reported you for abusive language multiple times. Due to these reports, we have had a Shadow Priest silence you for 24 hours and deleted your premade group post "Please, We Need to Stop the Legion" in the Dungeons & Raids Finder. If you want to appeal our decision, please submit a ticket."

"This clearly be some sort of bureaucratic mistake, mon," said a troll rogue volunteering to translate for the beleaguered archmage, who was still able to privately whisper people. "When the Council agreed to cast the spell across the entire city -- thanks for that, Rhonin -- I was told it wouldn't be no automatic process. Clearly someting's gone wrong. Buff Outlaw Rogues!!"

Fellow Council of Six member Archmage Modera seemed equally baffled by the incident. "Yo, there's still an investigation when you get reported," said Modera. "The new silence penalty doesn't mean some multi-reporter can insta-silence you." When asked how Khadgar had ended up silenced, Modera frowned and said the Council would be "looking into it."

Despite Khadgar's experience, others seem to have nothing but positive things to say about the new Dalaran feature.

"Me and my 39 demonic friends think the new silence penalty is just great," grinned Gul'dan, Darkness Incarnate, Destroyer of Dreams, the Great Betrayer. "Like, sure, let's say hypothetically someone were to gather a bunch of people and then all report someone they don't sure would be awful and easy to abuse if their spell automatically silenced that person without checking or verifying the reports! Ehh heh he he hee...but who would do a thing like that. Drink."