Boorish ogre stabbed 126 times after telling Garona he'd like to see her naked


Guests and dignitaries at Azeroth's first global peace talks were utterly shocked when the emissary from the ogre clans began spewing lewd comments at Garona Halforcen, renowned and respected warrior-assassin.

During the stunned silence that fell over the crowd following his initial remarks, the ogre -- crude and classless even as far as ogres go -- winked at Garona and suggested they should go out sometime.

"I can get a little grabby," leered the disgusting ogre before being interrupted by the deadly assassin, and by interrupted we mean brutally and mercilessly vivisected.

Following the incident, everyone retook their seats and had a wonderful time. A custodian was called to collect and deposit the ogre's remains in the trash, where it belonged.

"I'm really not sure why they picked him to represent them," said Anduin Wrynn afterward, cringing. "I mean, their entire reputation to the rest of the world was riding on his shoulders, and he made a total ass out of himself with his shameful, gross behavior. It's going to be really hard for everyone else to take them seriously now."

Wrynn sighed. "It really was a fantastic evening, too. It's such a shame that idiot had to ruin such an important night with his big stupid mouth."

"Maybe next time they'll pick someone who isn't a total disgrace."

Stormwind City destroyed after Horde stops saving it


The capital city of the Alliance has been destroyed by Warlord Zaela of the Iron Horde after a small group of Horde adventurers elected not to stop her.

"Have you come to get a first row seat for Stormwind's destruction?" taunted Zaela from atop her dragon after being confronted in her lair deep within Upper Blackrock Spire.

After conferring for a few seconds with his companions, Genshi, an orc rogue, stepped forward and shrugged.

"Actually, that sounds pretty good with us," he said. Behind him, the other four Horde adventurers nodded and gave Zaela big thumbs-up signs.

"Good, I have been waiting for -- sorry, what?" said Zaela, blinking in surprise. "Um, well, okay then. In that case....uh, off I go!"

"I'm really not sure what she was expecting," said Carianna, a blood elf paladin, as the Alliance capital city went up in flames far off in the distance.

"Granted, we did save their city once already from the Botani and that big genesaur," she added ruefully while sticking a handful of Conjured Mana Marshmallows on skewers. "But like, there was a real lot going on right then, and that mage lady was being really loud and wouldn't stop shouting, plus I think Saurfang was giving us like 50 gold to stop it.

"But this time? Hey, have at it, lady."

The extent of the destruction has not yet been fully determined, but survivors were able to confirm that when Zaela began the attack by dropping a massive Iron Star into the city, it landed directly on top of the newly-restored Park, utterly demolishing it.

Defias Brotherhood sends petition to Stormwind requesting return of original Westfall


After King Varian Wrynn announced his intention to finally collapse the subterranean caverns known as the Deadmines once and for all last week, the Defias Brotherhood was quick to react. However, Stormwind authorities were surprised to learn that the infamous band of brigands, murderers, and outlaws responded not with a violent attack or uprising, but rather, with a petition.

The change.orc petition, signed by all 89 members of the Defias Brotherhood who currently reside in the Deadmines, stated that since they would soon be without a home, Stormwind should turn Westfall back into how it used to be because they "liked it better that way."

"I was leader of the Stonemasons Guild back in the original Stormwind," said former Defias kingpin Edwin VanCleef. "After giving it a lot of thought, I feel Stormwind could have found a way to support us, rather than resorting to scary legal tactics. Almost 900,000 people want to see this. King Wrynn, these people are not your enemy, they are some of Stormwind's greatest supporters!"

When asked to explain exactly how a ruthless band of bandits, pirates, and lawbreakers qualified as supporters of anything besides theft, flagrant disrespect for the law, and a bizarre sense of entitlement in expecting one's victims to listen to their requests and not simply laugh in their faces, VanCleef frowned and began sweating, before saying such questions were "not germane" to the matter at hand.

Accompanying the petition -- which was scrawled on the back of a Wanted poster warning travelers to beware Defias bandits operating in the area -- came a firm declaration that should Stormwind not adhere to their requests, the Defias would immediately withdraw all support and financial backing to Stormwind and the Alliance. After reading the thinly-veiled threat, King Wrynn rolled his eyes and laughed. "Wow, how will Stormwind ever cope without the non-existent contributions of a bunch of literal thieves?"

Wrynn then grew more serious. "I hate to break it to them, but Westfall is Alliance land -- always has been, always will be. And frankly, we've had quite enough of the Defias thinking they can just do whatever they want simply because they feel like it, or because they don't like how we run things here in Stormwind these days. Oh, they've had fun running around breaking the law, and so I'm supposed to care now what they want? I've got two words for them: too bad."


Wrynn's response did not sit well with the Brotherhood. "I've lost a huge amount of respect for Stormwind," said Defias veteran "Captain" Cookie, one of the only original Brotherhood members to maintain his position following the Cataclysm. "Everyone knows the Deadmines is shit now. To show my displeasure, I'm no longer going to purchase that Champion's Treadblade that I was totally, definitely, for-reals going to buy next month. That'll show 'em! An eye for an eye! They'll never get my money (money that I stole in the first place) ever again!"

"FUCK YOU STORMWIND!" said a completely level-headed, reasonable Defias member. "You just want to pander to the mainstream population and won't even do something as simple as turn back time for your TRUE loyal people. You just continue to shit on your original citizens."

King Wrynn did acknowledge that the desire to see Westfall returned to its "glory days" was an interesting idea, even among Stormwind authorities, but not enough, he believed, to offset the costs such an undertaking would require.

"They do know that you can't just...rewind the world, right?" said Wrynn, shaking his head. "That was like ten years ago. We can't just change everything back simply because a bunch of thieving yahoos are nostalgic for the 'good old days'."

When informed that the Defias had offered their "regional expertise" to assist Stormwind in any rebuilding efforts, Wrynn scoffed. "What, we're supposed to reward their banditry by giving them jobs? Are they seriously suggesting we view their history of criminal activity and theft as a resume?"


Wrynn did have one additional message for members of the Brotherhood. "We may have shut down your illegal base of operations where you were squatting on Alliance-owned land, but any of you who regret your actions are welcome to return to Stormwind and become law-abiding, tax-paying citizens. You may be shocked to learn that Stormwind and the Alliance are much more willing to consider requests by people who are, you know, not pirates."

As Stormwind masons collapsed the cave leading into the Deadmines' underground tunnels, a single tear rolled down the snout of former Defias lieutenant Mr. Smite, standing on a hill nearby.

"I came back to have a good time, and I'm honestly feeling so under attack right now."

Accessing mailbox to cost gold in Legion


Players will have to pay gold to use their mailbox in Legion, Blizzard announced today.

Currently on the Legion Alpha servers, players must fork over 100 gold to open their mailbox, whether it's to send mails, receive items from the Auction House, or simply to send items to another character.

"The 100g is purely a placeholder at the moment. We are still working out what the cost will be!" said the Warcraft Devs twitter account, when asked to clarify if this access fee would continue when Legion goes live.

Response from the playerbase has been quite negative, but Blizzard remains firm that these service charges are a necessary evil, due to players having earned too much gold from the particularly lucrative treasure hunter garrison missions in Warlords of Draenor.

"We've thought long and hard about this, and we've decided that that best solution is to nickel-and-dime our playerbase for everyday conveniences that they've adored and been accustomed to for years!" explained new Lead Finance Manager Trade Prince Gallywix.

"It just made sense to start with the mailbox -- I mean, the Postmaster already works tirelessly to bring you those useless trash items you passed up, or by taking that excess Honor you earned that would have inconveniently put you over the Honor cap and throwing it in the garbage, then mailing you to tell you about it. It's only fair that they earn a working wage, in today's economy!"

Gallywix added that Blizzard was "listening carefully" to feedback, and that they would be considering alternate options for players.

"Oh, don't you worry! We only want what's best for you, which is why we're offering a special way for players to bypass these service charges! For the low, low cost of only $10, players can purchase the Elite Mailbox account option from the Blizzard Shop, and enjoy full, unrestricted use of their mailbox for an entire month! That's our gift to you, loyal subscribers!"

When asked if Blizzard had any plans to introduce similar gold charges for other existing in-game services, Gallywix shrugged.

"Hey, you never know. We're thinking about maybe toll booths at instance portals, with stamp cards so your 11th zone-in is free. Or maybe we'll make major cooldowns have a one-hour cooldown, which players can reduce for a small, teensy-tiny Shop fee. The possibilities are endless!"

Ashran groups now limited to one player per side


"Exploit that, fuckers," said Holinka.