After King Varian Wrynn announced his intention to finally collapse the subterranean caverns known as the Deadmines once and for all last week, the Defias Brotherhood was quick to react. However, Stormwind authorities were surprised to learn that the infamous band of brigands, murderers, and outlaws responded not with a violent attack or uprising, but rather, with a petition.
The change.orc petition, signed by all 89 members of the Defias Brotherhood who currently reside in the Deadmines, stated that since they would soon be without a home, Stormwind should turn Westfall back into how it used to be because they "liked it better that way."
"I was leader of the Stonemasons Guild back in the original Stormwind," said former Defias kingpin Edwin VanCleef. "After giving it a lot of thought, I feel Stormwind could have found a way to support us, rather than resorting to scary legal tactics. Almost 900,000 people want to see this. King Wrynn, these people are not your enemy, they are some of Stormwind's greatest supporters!"
When asked to explain exactly how a ruthless band of bandits, pirates, and lawbreakers qualified as supporters of anything besides theft, flagrant disrespect for the law, and a bizarre sense of entitlement in expecting one's victims to listen to their requests and not simply laugh in their faces, VanCleef frowned and began sweating, before saying such questions were "not germane" to the matter at hand.
Accompanying the petition -- which was scrawled on the back of a Wanted poster warning travelers to beware Defias bandits operating in the area -- came a firm declaration that should Stormwind not adhere to their requests, the Defias would immediately withdraw all support and financial backing to Stormwind and the Alliance. After reading the thinly-veiled threat, King Wrynn rolled his eyes and laughed. "Wow, how will Stormwind ever cope without the non-existent contributions of a bunch of literal thieves?"
Wrynn then grew more serious. "I hate to break it to them, but Westfall is Alliance land -- always has been, always will be. And frankly, we've had quite enough of the Defias thinking they can just do whatever they want simply because they feel like it, or because they don't like how we run things here in Stormwind these days. Oh, they've had fun running around breaking the law, and so I'm supposed to care now what they want? I've got two words for them: too bad."
Wrynn's response did not sit well with the Brotherhood. "I've lost a huge amount of respect for Stormwind," said Defias veteran "Captain" Cookie, one of the only original Brotherhood members to maintain his position following the Cataclysm. "Everyone knows the Deadmines is shit now. To show my displeasure, I'm no longer going to purchase that Champion's Treadblade that I was totally, definitely, for-reals going to buy next month. That'll show 'em! An eye for an eye! They'll never get my money (money that I stole in the first place) ever again!"
"FUCK YOU STORMWIND!" said a completely level-headed, reasonable Defias member. "You just want to pander to the mainstream population and won't even do something as simple as turn back time for your TRUE loyal people. You just continue to shit on your original citizens."
King Wrynn did acknowledge that the desire to see Westfall returned to its "glory days" was an interesting idea, even among Stormwind authorities, but not enough, he believed, to offset the costs such an undertaking would require.
"They do know that you can't just...rewind the world, right?" said Wrynn, shaking his head. "That was like ten years ago. We can't just change everything back simply because a bunch of thieving yahoos are nostalgic for the 'good old days'."
When informed that the Defias had offered their "regional expertise" to assist Stormwind in any rebuilding efforts, Wrynn scoffed. "What, we're supposed to reward their banditry by giving them jobs? Are they seriously suggesting we view their history of criminal activity and theft as a resume?"
Wrynn did have one additional message for members of the Brotherhood. "We may have shut down your illegal base of operations where you were squatting on Alliance-owned land, but any of you who regret your actions are welcome to return to Stormwind and become law-abiding, tax-paying citizens. You may be shocked to learn that Stormwind and the Alliance are much more willing to consider requests by people who are, you know, not pirates."
As Stormwind masons collapsed the cave leading into the Deadmines' underground tunnels, a single tear rolled down the snout of former Defias lieutenant Mr. Smite, standing on a hill nearby.
"I came back to have a good time, and I'm honestly feeling so under attack right now."