Plague of Undeath outbreak ravages Stormwind, blamed on Anti-Naxxers


(Screenshot source: AJAlkaline40)


A recent outbreak of the Plague of Undeath in Stormwind City has resulted in dozens of civilian deaths and the entire Trade District being placed under heavy quarantine, bringing a familiar debate to the surface once more: Should Naxxination be mandatory?

Naxxination, the Light-based magical inoculation process developed from studying toxins found in Naxxramas, effectively renders the recipient completely immune to the virulent and highly contagious plague. In the decade since the Lich King's demise, worldwide Naxxination practices have all but eradicated the dreaded "undead curse" - until last week, that is.

For the first time in years, Stormwind witnessed an outbreak of one of the most dreaded diseases in all of Azeroth's history. How did this terrible pestilence, largely thought eliminated, find a foothold in what should be one of humanity's most protected, sanctified cities?

The answer: The Anti-Naxxination movement, or Anti-Naxxers, a collection of people who consciously choose not to inoculate their children and families against the Lich King's most powerful necromantic weapon.

Anti-Naxxers place their faith in a study that surfaced a few years ago stating that Naxxination was "unhealthy, unnecessary, and unethical," and that catching and surviving "common household illnesses" such as the flu, strep throat, and the Plague of Undeath, was "simply one of life's little rites of passage."

The author of the mysterious study, along with their medical credentials, remains unknown to this day, though a footnote written on the last page states that the author "totally isn't Kel'Thuzad".

Since the study's appearance, the Church of the Holy Light has pointed out dozens of inaccuracies, fallacies, and outright, bold-faced lies within its contents. Yet despite these arguments, as well as overwhelming evidence that it tends to be a good idea to immunize your child against a literal death plague that can turn them into a ravenous flesh-eating monster, there are some out there who remain skeptical.

"I just don't buy what they're sellin' about this stuff!" said Morbil Rubella, a dwarf shaman. "I mean, we don't really know what's all in it, right? Wasn't it made with the Light? I'm a proud Wildhammer shaman, just like me father and his father before him. And I heard from a friend who heard from his sister who heard from her tailor that her boy got Naxxinated and then became a priest! I just can't take that risk for me boy!"

When asked how he planned to ensure his child would not fall victim to the disease, Rubella shrugged. "I'll continue the family tradition of what me father did for me, which is a healthy serving of tree bark with every meal. Tried and true!"

Meanwhile, others insisted there was "hard evidence" that linked Naxxinations to a variety of unpleasant afflictions. "Just look at Prince Anduin!" said Dunning, a miserable drunkard from Old Town. "He was perfectly fine, until King Varian made him get Naxxinated. And what happened to the Prince then? HE GOT CRUSHED BY A BELL!"

"If that's not a clear enough link for you, then I just don't know what to tell you," he added, before passing out in a puddle of his own filth.

"Them fancy church fellas can say whatever they like, but in the end it's freedom of choice, ain't it?" said Westfall resident Sheila Kruger. "Besides, it's magic! That stuff ain't natural! Ain't no way I'm putting that crap in my kids. They gonna grow up nice and wholesome like me, all-natural, just like the supper on our plates."

Prince Anduin Wrynn expressed concerns that the Anti-Naxxination movement was, given the recent plague outbreak and subsequent rampage of infected civilians-turned-Scourge, "a dangerous and foolish step backward in magical healing advancement."

"The magic protection is, you know, pretty indisputable."

Wrynn also firmly denounced the belief that getting Naxxinated might cause one to get crushed by a large, heavy object.

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard, and I hang out with a megalomaniac two-year-old black dragon," said Wrynn. "Getting Naxxinated didn't make the Divine Bell fall on me. Garrosh Hellscream did that. You can't inoculate against Garrosh Hellscream."

Unfortunately, it seems Prince Anduin and the Church of the Holy Light may be fighting a losing battle. More and more civilians are choosing to opt out of their Naxxinations every year, according to a recent study. The Anti-Naxxers are here to stay, and they don't care what anyone else thinks.

"I'm glad you stopped by and got me thinking about it," said Rubella, shoveling a spoonful of bark stew into his mouth. "I think I'll sneak into the Trade District and let Little Morbie run around and play. After all, what doesn't kill ya makes ya stronger!"

"And hey, it's my boy, my risks. If I don't want to Naxxinate my kid against the Plague of Undeath, it's my call. It's not like my choice could ever possibly hurt anyone else."

13 Responses Subscribe to comments

  1. gravatar
    Matty

    Thank you for getting the word out...

    February 4, 2015 at 5:41 AM

  2. gravatar
    Anonymous

    Here I am, practically dead of laughing.

    February 4, 2015 at 5:58 AM

  3. gravatar
    Jeni Morton

    I was an anti-naxxer, and now I serve the Dark Lady. Somehow, it suits me fine :)

    February 4, 2015 at 6:55 AM

  4. gravatar
    Rthr-X

    "You can't inoculate against Garrosh Hellscream."

    Truer words have never been spoken.

    February 4, 2015 at 7:19 AM

  5. gravatar
    Medraut

    Good lord, this is amazing.

    February 4, 2015 at 8:23 AM

  6. gravatar
    Redbeard

    /applause

    February 4, 2015 at 10:04 AM

  7. gravatar
    Fannon

    I died a little when I read "totally not Kel'Thuzad". Great post, Rades!

    February 4, 2015 at 12:43 PM

  8. gravatar
    Rachel Pelton

    Bravo sir, bravo.

    February 4, 2015 at 2:11 PM

  9. gravatar
    Balkoth

    "If I don't want to Naxxinate my kid against the Plague of Undeath, it's my call. It's not like my choice could ever possibly hurt anyone else."

    Best line of the whole thing, on two levels.

    February 4, 2015 at 2:33 PM

  10. gravatar
    Jaedia

    Oh Rades. Never change.

    February 5, 2015 at 2:34 AM

  11. gravatar
    prinniepowah

    I think I love you.

    February 6, 2015 at 8:27 AM

  12. gravatar
    Selnas Manawhisper

    This.. this is incredible.

    February 11, 2015 at 5:09 AM

  13. gravatar
    Navimie

    You sir, are hilarious beyond words. I love this post.

    February 16, 2015 at 8:28 PM