Gnews: Eerie link between dead horse, Old Gods

by Lexicon Quillsniffer
(Inspired by this amazing display of Journalism: Eerie links between Harry Potter, bin Laden)

While noted detective Horatio Laine scrambles to figure out who murdered popular Westfall celebrity Old Blanchy, worried experts fear it is but the first sign of a greater, world-encompassing threat.

Though former owners Theodore and Verna Furlbrow never hinted at any sinister implications concerning their beloved mare, the sharp-witted Laine was quick to pick up on a number of suspicious coincidences - coincidences that hint that underneath Old Blanchy's bedraggled, flea-ridden coat lurked a malevolent being of pure evil.

"The evidence was immediately apparent, citizen, given my vast intellect and giant brain," said Laine, a worried look across his brow. "I mean, look at the horse's name. OLD Blanchy. And what did we fight in Ahn'Qiraj and Uldum? That's right - OLD Gods. How did we not notice this before?!"

Laine pointed off in the distance, where a catastrophic arcane vortex was funneling into the clouds, hurling earth and trees skyward. "Look at the state of Westfall! It's falling apart before our very eyes! And when did this peaceful countryside begin to crumble? As soon as Blanchy was found, 'dead,' of course!" said Laine, making finger quotes in the air.

"Does that seem like the capabilities of your average horse?!" he roared. "I think not!"

Stormwind's best detective and conspiracy theorist, Horatio Laine, on the case.

Stormwind citizens seemed shocked at the notion, but after a moment to reflect, realized that they may fallen under the fallen mare's sway years ago and never even noticed.

"I didn't even think about it at the time, but I ran around those farms for hours collecting oats for Blanchy," said Cynderblock, a young Human female. "I mean, I don't even know why - she's a HORSE, and yet there I was doing all the work, slaving away while it just stood there and waited!"

The distressed warrior woman recalled with growing dread Verna Furlbrow's reaction upon returning with the oats. "I remember it well! She said 'Old Blanchy will be so happy!', but she seemed worried! I thought she was just scared for Blanchy's health...but what if she was scared OF Blanchy?!"

"EUREKA!" shouted Laine, popping out of a large bush, causing the startled warrior to crush him against a nearby house with her shield.

"The PLOT THICKENS. Old Blanchy: feeble mare? OR MACHIAVELLIAN OVERLORD?" said Laine from swollen lips after picking himself up off the ground.

Neither Furlbrow could be reached for comment, as they had also been murdered.

For a generation of adventurers who grew up befriending Old Blanchy and remembering their equine friend fondly, there have been inevitable echoes of Azeroth's desperate war against the nightmarish Old Gods.

After hearing of Laine's theory, (in)famous dwarven theorist/crackpot Mugrot Cobblehearth has made some of these murky comparisons chillingly clear, noting that "just as the Old Gods' eternal hatred was shaped by the loss of their independence and dominance over our planet, Old Blanchy's utter loathing of all life itself may have been shaped by the loss of her beloved blanket and feed pouch!" proclaimed the taciturn dwarf, his eyes wide.

"Don't you see!" he bellowed out the window, scaring a nearby statue polisher. "WE BROUGHT THIS UPON OURSELVES!"

As for Laine, when asked if he had any further evidence of Blanchy's hidden agenda, he screamed "I'm glad you asked, citizen!" and pulled out an enormous, heavily-worn tome.

"As every informed sleuth is well aware, there have been reports of mysterious occult behavior occurring in our very own Elwynn Forest for years now," said the furiously scowling detective, flipping pages at a frantic pace. "I myself have witnessed the bizarre and disturbing behavior of these specific six children, and was shaken to my core at the depravity and lunacy they exhibited. But I now have no doubt that Old Blanchy is intrinsically connected to their vile ritual!

Old Blanchy. Simple farm horse? OR DEMON IN DISGUISE?

"After all, don't you see the parallel? OLD Blanchy...and YOUNG children? It is the timeless cycle of renewal, of rebirth!" shrieked Laine, gesticulating wildly. "Furthermore! Of the six children, all are fair-skinned. White, in layman's terms. Old Blanchy was ALSO white! But here is the real kicker...the root word of Blanchy, 'blanche', in the ancient Murloc tongue, means - can you guess? YOU GUESSED IT! WHITE! OMG!"

"The connections are all too clear now! Old Blanchy is not dead, not really, or at least not for long!" muttered Laine as he paced back and forth down the street. "How long? How long before this terrible nightmare beast rises to strike us down and carry out her revenge?! HOW LONG, CITIZEN?"

"Dun dun dunnnnn...!" whispered Laine as he slowly backed away, disappearing into the shadows of a nearby alley until all that could be seen of him were the dazzling rhinestones of his detective's glasses.

However, not everyone agrees with Laine's theories. Outspoken critics of Laine scoffed at the detective's findings, calling his theory "a giant sack of crap." One skeptical resident merely rolled his eyes and said that Laine "comes up with silly ideas like this all the time," and that everyone pretty much just ignores him.

Has Detective Horatio Laine stumbled upon an ancient plot of unthinkable evil? Was everyone's favorite, lovable old nag secretly a dread harbinger of doom and destruction?

Or is Horatio Laine mistaken, and simply...flogging a dead horse?

8 Responses Subscribe to comments

  1. gravatar

    Haha, I'm starting to feel like a parrot, but I loved your post again! I really liked that quest chain which is quite sinister in its original form, although not quite as sinister as this ^^ This was great, thanks :) (Btw, my captcha is "cognisms" *eerie music* ... no ok, that made no sense :P)

    May 3, 2011 at 4:28 AM

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    I LOLed at both the link and this story! Madness!

    May 3, 2011 at 4:55 AM

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    Is Blanchy really dead? That's a sadface. I remember questing through Westfall on my first WoW character ever. Although, now it's mostly sad because I can't run through there and kill Blanchy along with every other Alliance in the area.

    :D Yay, war and destruction!

    May 3, 2011 at 7:48 AM

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    Excellent tin foil hat post sir! It definitely made me chuckle, so thanks for that : D

    I wonder if Blanchy had any offspring...

    May 3, 2011 at 9:00 AM

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    Oh good grief. I'm not sure which is funnier; the inspiring article, or yours.

    I guess the Murloc language, and the visual image of Laine backing away, serious-faced, whispering "Dun dun dunnn" gives you a leg up!

    But yeah, I mean, come on, they were BOTH shaped by events! SHAPED BY EVENTS I TELL YOU!

    May 3, 2011 at 9:31 AM

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    I have to say that Horatio Laine has it ... in the bag.


    May 3, 2011 at 9:43 AM

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    The Pink Pally

    ROFL You rock, Rades. I needed that laugh!

    May 3, 2011 at 11:33 AM

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    "Was everyone's favorite, lovable old nag secretly a dread harbinger of doom and destruction?"

    Blanchy as a dreadsteed? Awww yeah, I can dig that. :)

    May 3, 2011 at 12:49 PM