Gnews: Lich King says living can be 'cured' by Scourge


By Lexicon Quillsniffer, Gnomeregan Gnightly Gnews
(Inspired by ridiculous "news" story: US judge says lesbians can be 'cured' by male soldiers)


A tyrannical Lord of the Undead has been accused of advocating corrective murder of the living.

The Lich King, former Paladin of the Light and full-time meanie, wrote on his blog "The Frozen Scone" that the living should be allowed to join his Scourge army because the normal undead soldiers would "convert" them.

Blog manager Kel'Thuzad quickly removed some of his master's remarks but not before they were seen by hundreds of the Lich King's readers.

Mr. King, originally of Lordaeron, argued that undead were naturally more murderous than the living and "it fell to my horrible undead monstrosities to run through the streets and scour homes in search of as many living as possible to butcher and devour - a tough job but someone had to do it."

Then, he claimed that the "burning hatred and desire to see me dead" of Death Knights would have “the potential for disastrous health consequences” if Death Knights were allowed to serve openly in the Scourge.

"Death Knights spread disease at a rate out of all proportion to their numbers in our population (especially if they're glyphed for it) and should be excluded from our armies," he argued. "Plus, they really want to kill me, so that's always kind of awkward."

He continued: "Shouldn't the overwhelmingly dead minions who answer my call be spared the indignity of rotting alongside other minions who are only partially dead? Those unspoiled, lithe, wholesome bodies...so fresh...and ripe...and tantalizing...wait what was I talking about? KT, cut this part out."

The Lich King went on to praise living minions for their "limitless potential and capacity for being murdered."

His final argument, which has now been removed by Kel'Thuzad, was as follows: "My solution would accommodate the breathing part of my army, who seem to be 'dead set' on the issue, and also give normal undead a fair shot at converting the living and bringing them into the eternal, agonizing clutch of undeath."

Mr. King was accused of advocating corrective murder of the living by some commentators.

Blogger Amanda Hessonite of Lakeshore sardonically noted: "Once all the living are easily accessible in one place, an army of undead horrors will murder them all, presumably through that time-tested tactic of biting their faces off and ripping them apart with their foul undead claws."

When asked to comment, the Lich King said: "Actually that's pretty much the goal, yeah. Also? You're next."

Another blogger, who wished to remain anonymous, said they weren't surprised, and accused the Lich King of blatant racism.

"the scourge is not an equal opportunity employer. i am always being discriminated against on the basis of my spinal condition. he is a phylumist," said the anonymous blogger, who signed their correspondence only with a mysterious ">8<".

4 Responses Subscribe to comments

  1. gravatar
    The Pink Pally

    This post was wicked hysterical... until I read the article that inspired it. Now I'm just royally fucking pissed off.

    May 3, 2011 at 3:56 PM

  2. gravatar
    Zinn

    Funny thing is, I can definitely see LK using that line of reasoning :P Spider power!

    May 4, 2011 at 3:58 AM

  3. gravatar
    Rhyvin

    I remember hearing about that judge. I was pretty pissed about it. In South Africa, men rape/gangrape lesbians to 'correct' their sexuality. 24 out of 25 men who are arrested/charged with anything are released with minimal or no punishment.

    On another note, "Actually that's pretty much the goal, yeah. Also? You're next." Lulz

    Hah, I comment on your stuff a lot.

    May 4, 2011 at 7:52 AM

  4. gravatar
    Totally Not Mitsune, But A Spider

    >8<

    Spider pride.

    May 5, 2011 at 8:47 PM