Inaugural Midsummer Fyre Festival descends into utter chaos, disaster


The much-hyped Midsummer Fyre Festival was supposed to be a fabulous luxury vacation getaway, where wealthy lowbies could take S.E.L.F.I.E.S. with big names like Jaina and Lor'themar on a beautiful private beach, enjoy the finest gourmet meals Azeroth's chefs had to offer, and unwind in high-class waterfront cabanas worthy of the King of Stormwind himself.

Instead, the Bilgewater Cartel-hosted event in Azshara spiraled into a disastrous landslide of disappointment, disorder, and desperation, with festival-goers reporting appalling accommodations, violent locals, and 'catered meals' of such shoddy quality even Nomi would be embarrassed.

"It's a complete disaster! It's chaos!" mourned Saeil, a blood elf hunter who paid 4,000 gold for a ticket to the exclusive event, only to be greeted by half-constructed tents, mountains of garbage, and visitor luggage being tossed off the back of a kodo in the middle of the night. "There's no organization, the beach is just greasy dirt and gravel, and the concierge booth is a rusted old oil barrel! And there's not even anyone there!"

Trash piles and luggage woes were not the only complications awaiting the excited guests. Achloryn and Iciandra, a pair of death knights looking forward to a bit of rest and relaxation, shelled out over 12,000 gold for a premium housing villa package that promised twin-sized beds, comfortable sitting chairs, hanging lamps, and a spacious living room area. What they received instead was a cramped canvas tent with a dirt floor, furnished with two straw cots and a dead kobold lying in the corner for lighting.


"The worst part is, I know these tents," said Iciandra dazedly. "They're disaster relief tents! We handed them out to refugees after the Cataclysm. The Cataclysm!" She then broke down sobbing, during which time a goblin wearing a SECURITY t-shirt snuck into her tent and made off with her suitcase.

Iciandra's companion Achloryn could not be reached for comment, as she was busy fighting off a pack of feral worgen that were running wild in the area. "IF I WANTED TO BE ATTACKED BY FERAL DOGS, I COULD DO IT FOR WAY LESS THAN 12,000 GOLD!" she was heard shouting during the melee.

Other attendees reported being attacked and robbed by hostile naga, makrura, and in some cases, even other guests.

In the months leading up to the festival, organizer and host Trade Prince Jastor Gallywix promised "the very best in food, art, music and adventure," including live performances by Level 80 Elite Tauren Chieftain, on a majestic beach once owned by none other than Queen Azshara. The event was also highly promoted and hyped by celebrities such as Haris Pilton and Duke Studlington on social media website Instagrom, where photos of the swimsuit-sporting sex symbols garnered thousands of /flirt and /flex reactions.


However, two days before the festival was set to begin, L80ETC announced that they were pulling out of the event, and everything went downhill from there.

Even the food was a complete disappointment, according to some very upset and very hungry attendees.


"I paid truly mind-boggling quantities of gold for a premiere luxury vacation and was promised gourmet catered meals," said Fabulor, a blood elf paladin who live-tweeted his experience. "And what did I get? An old fish lying on a crate with a rusty knife?"

"I will be speaking to my lawyers."


"This was NOT A SCAM!" chortled Gallywix from atop a towering mound of gold coins. "I'm heartbroken! Really, I am! I don't know how everything went so left but we're working to make it right! THIS IS NOT MY FAULT!"

Eventually, the Bilgewater Cartel begrudgingly agreed to postpone the festival, promising to arrange transportation home for the starving and angry festival-goers.

"Next year, I'm staying in Duh Morogh," grumbled Credenza, a dwarf shaman, moments before Cartel employees locked the guests into a Bilgewater Harbor storage room and chained the doors shut, "for their own safety."